Coming out of sleep.

Lately, it is hard to wake up. I can’t quite remember why things are safe or whether days or wakefulness is good, so I need to pull myself out of bed and put my feet on the stairs. To look out at the day coming. It is often still dark and I can see Venus there, gleaming. A bright planet that reminds me of true things.

True things: I am small and also big. Small in the universe, massive in my small kingdom of people who depend upon a mother and a friend. I may never own anything of substance in this world but that will not mean that I wasn’t here. And if I was here, I can tell a story that pays attention to the ways we are loved and the ways we need to love one another.

I sit at my desk and watch birds looking at themselves in the car windshield. I’m not sure what they are doing— they climb the glass and slide down again and again. I light a candle and pray. I write my words. Poems, book edits.

Isaac has gotten really into skateboarding, and Solo too, so now sometimes I can hear the old familiar sound of skateboard wheels on pavement. It reminds me of days from a long time ago. Leafy is memorizing Hamilton and I hear him rapping it in the distance. Large red leaves from my tree fall and lie ungathered, for now. I have the urge to fill my house with flowers.

We had a good season of many community lunches after a long time away. Now we are taking a break to get other Shekina things done before we travel south for the smoky season. Normally the smoky season would already be in full swing, but we have had glorious, abundant late rains.

I am sad inside, over the feelings of strife and warring against one another that are very present in this world. The reality of death and the longing for freedom, the way we argue and diminish each other’s longings.

And then there are so many hopeful things, too.

Solo’s drawings.

Kenya’s dreams for her life as an independent young person.

Isaac’s queries for the world. What will the world be?

Leafy’s desire to do well.

I find hope in the people around me, the words from my loved ones and friends. We are still here fighting for hope, dear friends, still trying to love our enemies, after all these years. It is always disquieting to continue to do this, on and on. Jesus knew it.

It’s time to make breakfast and to think about the rest of the day. I need to work on Isaac’s hair and Solo’s too. I need to buy Solo some new T-shirts to print, and I have an audio day scheduled, writing and recording. It will be good. I just needed to put my feet on the ground and come out of my room to see it.

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