Awash

Lately I have noticed how much we are bent to notice what we don’t have in our lives. It hasn’t been one conversation, but many, where someone has mentioned to me what they don’t have, and I think, Oh, but you have more than I did when… (my kids were small, I was young, I got married, whatever). And then I get annoyed by the comparison, annoyed by how easy it is to notice lack, and then I realize my grievance is with God, and then I realize that I am doing it:

Noticing what I didn’t or don’t have, rather than the constant, immediate abundance of my life.

This morning I woke up and ran downstairs on my legs. I have legs. And I don’t really pay attention to them. Because I have them and I don’t have to think about not having them. Here are some other things I so easily receive and rarely mention: eyes, health, a brain to work, the sky, which is always there and always so lovely.

I don’t want to notice only the lack. What is my relationship to lack? I notice what I need, I ask for it. It’s not that I shouldn’t fight for it. I would never tell someone in poverty not to see what they don’t have, not to ask for what they need. I would never tell anyone not to strain for justice, to demand justice! Jesus tells us to ask, and ask, and ask again for things.

But to not notice the flow of goodness? To not take note of the love? This is missing out, truly. This is starving when there is a table right there.

And sometimes the lack itself is love. The times Chinua and I have struggled through, climbed literal mountains or lived without water (as Christy reminded me the other day, I forgot about that), have been our greatest adventures and have formed us. There is so much love in our family, we are awash with love, partly because of these adventures.

The low moments are real. I have been fighting my way through some of them lately, nearly overwhelmed with despair or fear. But I am also sitting at a table full of food, and it would be in my best interest if I leaned forward, away from the abyss behind me, and picked up a spoon.

***

Searching For Home Newsletter #3 has gone out to patrons! It’s not too late, if you become a patron you get access to all the newsletters. Plus, you are helping this author. Thanks so much!