At four years, I share yet one more thing.
Today is the anniversary of this blog. I’ve been writing here for four years. And there’s no end in sight, friends, no end in sight. Because every time I think of stopping, I read through posts that encapsulate things I would have forgotten otherwise, and I’m glad for having been here, in this space, writing it all down.
Here are some posts from each of the Augusts that I’ve been here.
Where I Face My Fears by Being Ridiculously Open and Honest
Things are Moving Rather Quickly Now
If you read through these posts you may notice that there is a fairly big change between August ’06 and August ’07.
In the Where I Face My Fears post I talk about the extreme anxiety I used to experience. I don’t know how to describe to you how crippling it was. It caused rage, panic, and overreaction to very small things. I couldn’t see my way around it, when I was in the midst of it. It was completely irrational, in the midst of it everyone around me looked like an enemy. I was wild-eyed and irrational. I hurt myself. I struck out at my husband. I struggled with this for years. And I prayed, I went to counseling, I read fifty books, I tried everything. Nothing would dislodge the knot of fear that went with me everywhere I went. I completely lost the ability to enjoy myself, to have fun, to relax. This blog helped a lot. But it didn’t help everything.
There was the night that I constructed an elaborate art installation on my floor with melted wax and burnt paper and rose petals, thinking, “maybe someone will notice.” I remember the time I reached out to a woman I trusted, telling her how bad things were inside my head. Her response was, “You’re okay, Rae. Really, of all people, you have to be okay.” She was referring to the fact that we worked with street kids at the time, and quite frequently people were falling to pieces all around us. Someone needed to be strong, to be stable for everyone else.
But what if it wasn’t me?
In the end, it was my relationship with my kids that was the last straw. I found myself shaking with anger and anxiety, barely containing myself, staring at three tiny children who stared back at me with huge eyes. And then I read this book. Not any type of self-help book, just a novel with a character who condemned another character (a mother with depression issues) for not taking the steps she needed to keep her children safe from herself. And I shook myself, because it occurred to me for the first time that it was my responsibility.
There wasn’t going to be any knight in shining armor. I wanted someone to rescue me, to notice my struggles and pull me out. I needed to be the one to ask for help. I was so close to asking already, and then two more things happened. One, I had a panic attack so severe that I had to pull the car I was driving over because I couldn’t breathe. And Two, I lost a baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. Because I was already back and forth, seeing the doctor, we talked about my mental health. I told her everything. She prescribed medication that deals with social anxiety disorder. It was April of 2007, a time when everything changed for me.
I remember the first day I went for a drive and found that I was happy. It felt like the first time in years that I wasn’t afraid. And so.
It’s funny, before I admitted how sick I was and gave in, I was so afraid of the way taking medication would affect my relationship with God. But without the barrier of my imbalance, I find myself walking through each day with the ability to trust, rather than the sickening feeling that I can’t get out, I can’t get out.
I was too concerned for my family to take serious steps towards suicide, but a day didn’t go by when I didn’t feel that the only way out of my own mind (which was poisoning me with a crippling) was through death.
I’m so glad that I found out it wasn’t true.
When I look back on all the poems I wrote then, they all have images of hurting, clenched stomachs, of not being able to let go, of shoulders rigid and tight, of the need for escape. Images of people as wolves, of panic in the grocery store, of sabotage. I am so thankful, now, for the ability to relax in my own skin. I still have stress, I still have to remember to give my worries over to my Father. The difference is that it is possible for me, now.
This is the way He is; Broken things are made new.
Oh friends, I am so broken. But being renewed every day.
Photo by Chinua
29 comments
Thank you for this, I needed it. You’re beautiful.
much love you brave brave lovely you x
You just shine.
your vulnerability is breath taking! Thank-you!!
Thanks for sharing this story. Realizing that you need help and then asking for it are huge. It must also be difficult to put your honesty out there for everyone to see. This shows just how strong you are!!
I admire the courage to open up to everyone and let everybody see “YOU”.
To continuous renewal!
PS Gorgeous photo
Lovely photo of lovely you… thanks for sharing your story. It is beautiful….
Indeed!
Thank you for the beautiful post. It never ceases to amaze me the similarities in people’s stories of mental disease. I suffer from depression and I can remember thinking everything was normal. And then realizing it wasn’t but feeling unsure of where to go or whom to turn to. I remember feeling such fear about taking medication. How many times had I heard (and still hear) of people being like zombies on medication? And yet, it’s the exact opposite for me. When I’m depressed I am completely disconnected from life. I am numb. With medication I am a person. A regular person. I wish I had known that sooner but better later than never!
PS Beautiful picture.
YOu, my sister, are so courageous. Thank you for being strong enough to be weak. That is true strength. To know when to ask for help and be vulnerable enough to voice it aloud. you rock girl!!! You have changed so much and you are beautiful!
I love you
And yet again, thanks for sharing…you have no idea how He blesses many through your transparency. Thanking God for you today!
yes,yes,and yes. me too. all the same fears/anxiety/panic as you. in my mid to late twenties…my story is long and hard…but I made it through,just like you dear rae…just like you.
Rae, I am convinced that when we will live, REALLY LIVE, out our lives (both the good and the bad) in honesty and love, we will unknowingly strengthen others to try and do the same. I think that must be one of the ways God works through our weakness. It is true with your story, with the way you so generously share your life with your readers. I, for one, have been strengthened and encouraged numerous times to face life bravely, as I watch you do the same.
Well, I’m certainly very very glad that you blog, and that you plan to continue blogging…for purely selfish reasons – I adore reading your posts. So happy 4th bloggaversary Rae!!!!
There once was a blogger called Rae,
Whose sky was a dark shade of grey.
Then she found that by writing,
Those clouds started brightening,
And the children all ran out to play.
Rae: this post is so lovely. I recognize that subtle desire for death from my own depression: I never sought it directly, but I certainly hoped a bus might put me out of my misery. I didn’t know what else to do. And the idea of self/art/…I just know what you’re saying, and I thank you for saying it.
Thank you.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. Thank you for sharing your story.
I too have been waiting to be rescued. Now I am working on asking for help and taking responsibility for myself.
Your writing is beautiful. I admire your wisdom, courage and strength.
Oh darling, we are all broken! That’s the truth. Somehow we have this idea that once we follow our God that we won’t be broken in any way, and that to be so, means we’re not “trusting” enough or something like that, that we really aren’t very good Christians or we wouldn’t be that way. It’s such a lie, and it’s such a way to keep us crippled and unable to walk forward in all that God has called us to be. I’m proud of you and what you have done, and how God is able to use you now because you took control of your brokeness.
It’s in the family for sure. I have a sister who invited all sorts of people over for her daughters birthday and then left because she couldn’t handle all the people. How often I have gone into a crowd of people and been totally imobilized – one on one’s fine, but a crowd, no way.
Thanks for sharing what you’ve walked through and another “stone” that you’ve been able to add to the pile. Most of us did not even realize the extent of what you were trying to handle.
Love you and am proud of you!
Rae:
My uncle was just sharing a thought we me on yesterday.
Broken glass can start a fire. Why? Because it’s jagged edges reflect the sunlight much more than an unbroken can.
The more broken we are, the more we can reflect the Son’s light.. the brilliant radiance of the glory of God..
Broken people we know – the woman with an alabaster box.. Job.. Peter.. and even me.
Hope that made sense; be blessed.
Happy 4th anniversary! I’m so glad you have finally found relief. Take care!
You are so beautiful, inside and out. I too struggled with anxiety, and found relief with medication. I don’t need it currently, but it is huge to know it’s out there if I do need it again. What an amazing thing you did, to seek help. It is such a hard thing for many people, the simple task of asking for help. Happy 4 year blog-anniversary!
I love you. I’m glad that your story turned in the path that it did.
ps. And that is why writing, art, creating can be such a powerful thing. Because we think about our lives in terms of narrative, not analytically.
Your writing and your story brings tears to my eyes in a good way! Thank you for sharing…
Stef
i cannot tell you how much this post means to me, rae. i never ever thought i would be that person, you know? the one incapable of living, the one who thought she was too strong, too knowing to take meds. and yet, when i did, when i admitted i was only sinking without help, i became myself again. it is a powerful thing to surrender to the scary and hard things, but in surrender, i found my grace. i am so glad you have also. hugs to india, or where you are right now.
Fear is a destroyer. It gets its tentacles around and into us and is almost impossible to escape. The only way of escape I know of is faith. But it is so hard to believe when you are gripped by fear…and the fear itself grows in spite of the fact that we recognize it as our issue, our problem… and in spite of our urgent all encompassing desire to ‘overcome’.
I knew others were not afraid like I was. Or if they were, they didn’t let on. I did let on. I wanted ‘out’. So I talked, expressed my fear, but it didn’t really help me. The bondage of fear remained. It encapsulated me and I was unable to escape.
The starting place for me, the beginning of my escape, was the Bible verse that states: “perfect love casts out fear”. I knew God ‘is’ love…and that he was perfect–he was perfect love. But I knew I wasn’t perfect in spite of my love for Him. And being a fallen sinner, I also knew I could never be perfect, though I had been washed by the blood of the Lamb, whose blood covered my sin. But I hung onto that little piece of knowledge. Later I learned that perfect love means ‘mature’ love–and of course to reach mature love we must grow in the Lord and that takes time. As I hung on to that verse with hope that escape was a possibility I continued my growth and faith in the Lord. Salvation was only a beginning step. I was on the right path but hadn’t gone far enough along it to discover the truth ahead.
The next verse that became my stepping stone to get me out of the pit of fear and despair was this: But God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of love, power and a sound mind.
So then I reasoned, if this spirit of fear I had wasn’t of God, it came from the enemy…but what to do, what to do about it? How do we escape the fiery darts of the enemy? I had no idea I must be proactive..that there were things I needed to do for my own protection. As I began to note all of the apostle Paul’s references to the fiery darts of the enemy–that we should beware his tricks–I was quite astounded. I had no idea of the spiritual warfare that encompassed me, and all believers. Paul says we do not wrestle against flesh and blood–but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.! Whoa I thought!!! Who knew?? Not I. Paul further tells us, then, to put on the whole armor of God that we may be able to withstand the evil. Wow.
So, where do we get the power to fight this enemy? Ephesians 6:10-18 tells us how to have the power of God, how to put on the whole armor.
And what about the sound mind? I thus reasoned, then if God gave me a sound mind, it was for a reason, a benefit and that I must use that mind to overcome the spirit of fear. Paul explains in Romans 12:2 that we are transformed by the renewing of our mind. I needed a new mind–a new thinking if I wanted to be transformed. Evidently, my thinking had been off.
If I wanted transformation, to be free of this spirit of fear, it must begin with and in the sound mind I had been given. Jesus says as we ‘think’, so we are in our heart of hearts. He says ‘ye shall know the truth–and the truth shall set you free. It is truth appropriated that sets us free. Truth is truth whether we believe it or not, but it is useless to those of us who do believe if we fail to appropriate it.
I escaped the bondage to fear that I was living in when I began to use my mind and rejected the “fiery darts’of the enemy–i.e. the lies that I was believing in my head–and staked my claim to the truths and promises of God.
When Satan whispered “you’re not going to survive this ordeal”, my reply was ‘yes I will because I can do all things through Christ who will strengthen me”. I countered every fiery dart, every lie, with truth. I was ultimately telling the enemy where he could get off. I was rejecting his un-truth, planted in my head. And as I rejected the lies and believed–embracing the truth instead– I took each tiny step of faith, trusting that God would hold me up, give me the strength to endure and proceed…and he did.. Just like the man with the withered hand who came for healing and was asked to stretch it forth–to do the seemingly impossible, for how can one stretch forth a withered hand??–I was able to overcome my fear and escape it little by little until I was completely free of the bondage to it.
Freedom from fear must begin in the mind, with sound reason–with the truth of Truth . Jesus said “I am the TRUTH”. He also said “you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”.
We will always have to deal with the enemy in this life. And we will always be facing hard things and scary fearful things. But take heart dear one…Satan is only a paper lion. Jesus is in you, with you, and for you. Grab hold of him, use the sound mind God has given you, claim the promises of God and reject the lies of the enemy as he shoots those fiery darts, put on the whole armor of God, and fear will never be able to take you hostage again.
(As an aside, James says ‘resist the devil and he will flee from you”..this is proactive..it means there is something we must do when we are tempted to sin (It is no sin to be afraid, but it is sin to not trust, to be paralyzed by that fear.) So, the thing we must do–resist–is a mind thing when it comes to fear. When we are tempted to sin physically we can remove our body from the temptation or remove the temptation itself, out of our sight, out of our grasp. But fear is in our heads and heart, and can only be removed when we replace it with something else, which might be the promises of God for strength or protection or guidance…or even replacing the fearful thoughts with a diversion..like reading something funny or lighthearted…or going for a walk. In short doing anything that redirects your thoughts away from that fearful thinking into good stuff, refusing to dwell there…In Phillipians we are instructed to think on ‘whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report; if there be any virtue, praise, think on these things”. When we replace those dark scary thought with the good stuff, it allows the light to come in and shine in the dark recesses and we are lightened, i.e. enlightened and able to overcome.
i love you, your story spoke to me and sounded scarilly familliar of what i have been through these past few years with my family and my mind, fear, anxiety, depression, unspeakable panic attacks, i have been through a lot too, it is warming to feel your story, i am learning to control my mind with love, and accepting that our western culture is one that breeds a mood of fear, i see your soul journey is awakening you to such depths of beauty and surrender, it is amazing to witness, and i thank you for sharing. I was diagnosed with post trauma stress dissorder, did the counselling, got perscribed meds, battled withthe choice of taking them, but chose to take herbs and breathe meditation and mantra meditation as well as silent meditation, i also took vitamin d and st johns wort for anxiety and b12 – i see how whatever path we take we can find something that works for us… and i see that your relationship with god grew stronger no matter what challenges you had.. its almost like we get those challenges because why else would we turn to our father and mother? we even call suffering mercy, and our association is so important, to attaining that goal of love and devotion…the mantra, silent mediation and kirtan has been healing, but physical assana practice that truely healed a part of me i could’t access through anything else, calming themind, inviting fresh prana and love into the temple, now i am teaching this to others, what a blessing it is to share and care in what ever way god intends for us on our individual path .. to love and celebrate the divine essence of love, love of god, this is mercy, i look back at those chicklet teath and your curly orange hair and i see you as a young woman, before kids, that funky artist who was wild and free, i feel you are an angel that came into my life as a young woman helping me see this love of god amidst some temporary suffering.. and it is all temporary in the end isn’t it? this love of god is blossoming more and more over time, i cherish you and your life as a blessing to the world
i honestly feel that if it weren’t for the yoga, chanting, meditation, and spiritual guidence my mind would get the best of me, and does when i get too busy to practice… it is mind medicine to dedicate ones life to their faith what ever that may be.. it is a blessing to read and share with you.. i want to come to india this october for kartik in vrindavan, i am making some arrangments now, i have been invited by my dear godsister who runs a charity called charm..childrens art mission in vrindavan with street kids helping them connect with art and culture.. she has invited me to teach yoga there, and i may also come to mysore to study more yoga asana and meditation, i will surely endevour to meet with you and hug you and sing and praise with you, you are a living inspiration…. all glories to Rae~
me too. “A crushed and humbled heart God will not spurn”
I have a glass pendant I wear, hand made, with an image inside of a lopsided, crinkly heart. It does so much help to know I am not the only one with a story like this.
Thank you.
this speaks so loudly to me .. oh if you only knew! i have had panic attacks for years and suffered even more from undiagnosed Pure “O” ocd.. basically Pure “O” is constant worry.. you obsess on small things to the point that it drives you bananas .. after years of self-medicating with food and feeling “less then enough” for God , for my hubby, and even for my own dreams i am learning to swim up stream from the feelings of panic & pure “O” and medication helps alot! i used to be very ashamed of needing meds but if it helps me and helps me help others , i’ll take it .. it is a daily fight but with God , i got this.. thank you so much for sharing.. it is always encouraging to know you’re not alone! God bless!!
Hello, from sacramento!
so many strange parallels i see between the few things i’ve read here and my life and longings at this moment.
i mean, for starters i live in sacramento. and am seriously considering living a nomadic lifestyle with my family.
just wanted to let you know that this post really inspires me.
cheers.
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