Speaking of politics
I have a diplomacy question for you.
The other day I made lunch, and it was pretty good. It was some kind of leftover redo, some flip and flap creation that I had tossed together, but it tasted good and had vegetables and protein, hooray!
Kid A ate a few bites and then said, “Mama. This isn’t good!” You’d have to hear his tone. His tone rhymed with “Mama. I’ve got more toys than you!” Sort of a sing-songy-I-just-thought-you-should-know-so-I’m-telling-you tone.
I said, “Kid A, just eat your food.”
He scrunched up his forehead and rolled his eyes and yelped, “It tastes like Monster Food!”
So I had no choice but to say, “Kid A! That’s a terrible thing to say to someone who just cooked lunch for you.”
My tone rhymed with “You ungrateful wretch, I cook and I clean and I rock the baby and I slave away, and all you do is play and talk about Monster Food!” It’s a tone l reserve for small children and baby animals.
(I find it’s good to use this tone to make empty threats that you know you will never in a thousand years carry out. Like, “If you talk about my food like this again, I’m going to stop feeding you.” Effective.)
Anyways, Kid A pondered this for awhile, and then he asked me a perfectly reasonable question.
“Mama? What is a nice way to tell someone that you don’t like something that they made?”
I had to say, “I don’t know.”
What about you? Do you know? Especially where a six-year-old is concerned? Is there a nice way?
16 comments
The only thing that comes to my mind is from the Bible:
Faithful are the wounds of a friend…
Speak the truth in love…
A friend loveth at all times…
I guess I’d tell kid to say “mama..thank you for fixing this food for me. It’s not my favorite, but I’m going to eat it because you fixed it for me.”
What mama could be upset with that?
I think discernment must always be used when sharing what we think. Sometimes it is best not to say anything. But we should be willing to risk censure or displeasure to speak the truth, and we should be open to other points of view–give them courteous and due consideration. And if after that we still disagree, we must say so…how else will we be able to truly know or truly trust one another? And always it must be done with civility.
The problem comes when those we share with are not civil, are not willing to give consideration to our beliefs, our thought process, our reasons, after we’ve patiently heard them…when it is all one sided.
The political rhetoric of today is shallow and not well thought out and takes little consideration of history–the true history of a thing– and little consideration of truth. History is being rewritten about many things which is very dangerous . And it is being taught to the young as fact. And truth? People ask “whose truth? mine or yours” indicating they believe there is no absolute truth.
I think the six-year old in me just learned something important. Never too old to learn!
(You got those voices perfectly)
When I was a kid I was sent to my room with out dinner because I told my StepMom the food was “Gross” I then learnt that the nice thing to say would have been “I’m not too fond of this” I’m not sure that it’s nice but it’s a little more pleasant sounding that “Monster Food” I now resort to “It’s not something that I would normally eat, but it’s good to try new food”
At least he doesn’t say, EWWWWWWW, That’s diss-CUSS-tin’, like my nearly 4-year old does. It could be hurtful if it weren’t so funny hearing such big words from such a young one.
Truth is good, of course, but maybe you can suggest that if what he has to say isn’t very nice, try not to say it. It’s a good time to learn that one, and good practice for a youngster to think about what he’s about to say before saying it, and decide whether or not it sounds nice.
My kids and I have come to a truce. They don’t have to like the food I make, but they can’t say anything mean about the food. They eat as much as they can, and if they are still hungry they can have a piece of fruit or a piece of cheese, and wait for the next meal. With as many children as I have, someone usually doesn’t like what I make, and our agreement is I won’t take it personally if they don’t like it, but they won’t make a big deal out of it either. Most the time they just have to make a choice between eating something they don’t care for and being a little hungry until we eat the next meal. Mostly I stress just being grateful that they get three shots a day at food they like. Many people in the world aren’t so blessed, and when my kids choose to go hungry, I remind them there are many hungry people who don’t have a choice about it.
I usually tell my kids, if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it, but don’t make a big deal out of it. If there’s a situation where they have to tell someone they don’t like it, it’s best to say, I don’t care for this, but thank you for making it for me!
Ahh. I make my kids taste (I mean, REALLY taste) the food, and then I help them find the words they need to explain what they don’t like about it. The texture, the taste, etc. They will often say “I’m not hungry,” and I know it’s not true. Sometimes, I give them a cup of water, and after they gulp it down, they realize they are indeed hungry, and that the food isn’t too salty, or too bland, or too dry. Sometimes I don’t get too much out of the 5-year-old, and he most often can’t stand to put a real bite into his mouth. But the older one (9) is getting good at explaining what he doesn’t like, and in turn, he’s realizing that it’s not so terrible to eat it after all.
They will fight over the last bit of brussels sprouts or green beans or broccoli, so I’m not too hard on them when they won’t eat a cooked carrot.
When I was a girl, I had to clean my plate. And we were sometimes very hungry, so I didn’t complain. My kids are lucky to have a choice of food to eat, and I can respect their picky tongues, but I won’t stand for rudeness at the table.
All i can say is how lovely you have a little boy concerned enough about others to learn how to give feedback in a kind way.
abs x
I clicked on the comments mostly to see what others did as I wonder this with our 4 year old, too.
I agree with abs that it is nice your boy is concerned about how to give negative feedback in a nice way.
We try the “it’s not my favorite” and leave it simply at that. Even if it’s not his favorite, there are always other food choices with the meal, and he will be able to fill up on whatever else. But I don’t make 2 suppers or 2 lunches, or anything like that, because then I feel it would teach him to say that anytime he wants something else! We are blessed with always having enough food- and that is a much bigger blessing than always having your ‘favorite’ food.
How about “Mum, I REALLY liked that meal you cooked last night/week.” So he can show gratitude and appreciation for a previous meal while letting you know politely that he’s not keen on tonight’s meal.
My own child taught me that one when I once asked if he was enjoying his dinner. He thought for a minute and then announced that he had enjoyed yesterday’s dinner. I guess all those lectures about not being rude actually sunk in.
We were always taught to thank the cook and to say SOMETHING nice about the food. Even if the only thing you can come up with is how nicely the different colors on the plate contrast with each other, find something nice to say. It could be, “These are the best pickled green beets I have ever eaten.” While you think quietly to yourself that never again in your life do you ever have to try THAT again.
We treat eating food you don’t like as a skill – just like learning to do work you don’t like. Eat just enough to be polite and say something nice.
It is most impressive that he wants to learn how to be politely unhappy.
At our house the required response to something you don’t like is: “Wow! This is really good. But it won’t break my heart if you never make it again.” I know what they mean, but it doesn’t make me feel so bad!
Yvonne
My kids still make faces and sounds about food, but are moving towards saying “I don’t care for that” instead. It gets the point across without hurting feelings.
it’s so funny because my kids just say, no thank you, and i give in,you have a kind of diplomacy i admire, but am out of touch with sometimes…perhaps due to exhaustion..
sometimes they say ” did you offer this” meaning: did you offer this to god with pure love and devotion before you put it in front of us… (this is my five year old keeping us in check) ps.S we don’t offer left overs, they are considered tamasic.
Sometimes it comes out as : ” is it prasadam?” is it sacred, or did you leave that part out… and then we sing and honor the prasadam and the kids eat what they want, and i don’t fuss with them, because their minds and boddies know instictively what they need, other wise it sours the mood in which the food is eaten, if the food is made with love and devotion, they will be alive with love and devotion, if it is made with half hearted, hurriedness, they are less desired to eat it..or honour it as we put it in krishna terms..
when we meditate on our food before offering it to god, they partake in that process, aiming to please the lord, and not our own tongues, and then the whole event becomes joyous, no matter what it is they are eating (okay pureley vegetarian in our case) So my answer is that, it doesn’t matter which way they comment, we can take offense because we worked hard, what does matter is including them in the process so they feel like it is sacred.
The first week we were married, I made shepherd’s pie. My husband ate it, and after dinner I asked, “How’d you like the dinner, sweetie?”
He paused and thoughtfully answered, “I’d like to try this again next year!”
Ever since then, when we don’t like something I cooked, we say, “this would be fine again next year.”
That’s our diplomatic way, and it always makes us all smile.
Well Rae, the Dean of my SIS school said that when we are afraid to eat what is offered us we simply need to say “my Mother didn’t teach me to eat this.” I don’t think that will work in Kid A’s case though. But it would be funny to hear him say that to you.
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