Stepping back again
I’m pretty exhausted right now, due to a gassy-baby Sunday. The child barely slept all day. But he’s doing better at night–actually, really great at night, so I’ll catch up, I think.
This is a tiring time of life for me. And very, very blessed. Do things always come in extremes? I wonder this at night, when I think of all the people who tell me to treasure these moments, but then I forget to treasure them because I’m busy hunting for my keys because my brain left with my free time.
Jaya has been gone all weekend, which is good because I need to get back into the swing of things. We move in a week, and she won’t be coming with us. I don’t regret a single moment of having Jaya work for us. We’ve learned so much and I’ve already become SO much more confident about living here, but I’m excited about having a kitchen that is my own. My chapattis have been getting better and better, too.
I’m torn about moving. It will be wonderful, I know, but I don’t like change. I believe this is due to my lack of imagination. I can’t fathom how things will turn out. We’ll just have to see.
Once again, after having a baby, I’m filling up with creative juices. All these ideas, all these thoughts. They come to me in dreams, I mull over issues and see wonderful things that I would like to write about, or photograph, or paint. My book always calls to me– it almost hurts. I really want to do more visual art again. I feel far from it. All the creativity… but NO TIME. No time.
I make lists. These are my goals for the month. They are modest goals, but I don’t get them done. Sigh. Big sigh. I will not wish this dear, maddening, sweet time in my life away. Not one minute in delicious baby time, not one long complicated story from a six-year-old boy. I won’t will it to pass. I will take the advice of those older and wiser than myself, and not rush it.
You can’t spend all of your life frustrated, you know? Better to sink into it. I love them, I love them. They are slowly making me into the person who I really want to be.
The book will get written some day. Maybe this will be the month that I make my modest goals. And maybe the pigs we feed with our scraps, down the hill from us, maybe they’ll sprout wings also.
It could happen.
7 comments
Oh the ridiculously modest lists that get thrown away, undone. Oh, the important stories unwritten, the ridiculously modest projects never finished. (Oh, the un-filed nails, the un-showered body… )
Why is it that creativity seems to flow most when you least have time to express it?
I totally understand that feeling. If I have another child some day, my list for the first 3 months at least will consist of simply “survive.”
Have you heard of Gypsee Yo? She’s a slam poet and she has a poem called “why a poem has to wait”. You could probably relate to it. I posted a link to that poem a few days ago on my blog, or you could look it up on youtube if you’re interested.
You don’t know me, but I have discovered your blog, and have followed you and your family as you have traveled to India. So very cool!!!!!!
After reading your blog these past few days, I realized that I, and my husband had gone through much the same as you and your family are experiencing right now.
I realize I don’t have a poetic bone in my body. So, with that I won’t say any more.
Best of best of best- to you and your family.
Sue- Seattle, WA
Rae, books gestate and are born like babies. Your book will be born. I wrote one while nursing a toddler and the other while pregnant. And have had an eight year gestation of my current book, still not born. You never know. Stay at peace; it all works out while we are in God’s hand. Which we always are.
Rachel you get way more done with 4 kids than I do with 2 – you’re amazing! I think a lot of people look at you and only wish they could be that productive!
I have found that if I do a small creative project that takes only a few hours I have the satisfaction of finishing something creative at least. Then when I have more time I tackle the bigger projects I’ve been brain storming about. Just some advice FWIW from another mother who is a creative soul.
As for a book, you could publish your blogs in my opinion! I enjoy reading journals a lot. I think that the things people write when they aren’t “writing” are far more interesting and real than planned writings end up being anyway.
I have a picture that you painted in my house and I love looking at it. Your creativity is blessing me. I will pray for rest for you.
Dang, that’s good stuff Rae. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the phase they are in.
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