Before Sleep
On the porch, the jungle night is alive with the vibrations of hundreds of thousands of insects. They have so many different sounds; the clicking, the rubbing, the creaks and rhythmic squeaking.
I sit and think about small regrettable things. I have words I should not have spoken, sharp frowns, unkind eyes. My children receive the best of me, but they also are on the other end of my impatience, my fretfulness, my lack of intention. Most of the time they don’t even notice when I am grumpy and not fully there. Sometimes, like today, there is something small that has crept inside, something that I have to tiptoe into their room to repair, when they should be already sleeping.
There has been an angry fire inside me, for a few days now.
In the distance I can hear a hundred howling dogs, irate and roused about something or other. Maybe a stranger to the dog clan tried to invade their trash pile.
The truth is that sometimes happiness is boring, obstinate, or old, sometimes the simplest things take too long, sometimes beauty is messy and thoughtless. Tonight I have so many resolves for the day to come. I will open my face, I will play more. I will be more thankful, I will laugh.
In the morning a thousand birds will bring the jungle to life in their own way, singing and chirping and shrieking and rustling. I’m so glad that we get so many mornings. There is one for every day. The darkness of the evening covers our regret, but the morning holds a new song, if we will wake up to hear it.
12 comments
Oh, the challenge of motherhood! I can so identify with this, this week!
I like this one. It feels more like something I can relate too, I love your pensive writing.
Me too. Blue seems to be the color creeping in lately. Not the serene sweetness of the ocean. But the dark color of tears. Washing away the pain.
Beautiful writing as always. I certainly have days like this.
It’s okay. It’s a chance to reflect. I think children need to know that we are not perfect, that we need to retreat, need time, need help and also need forgiveness too.
A cardboard cut out, forever smiling Mommy is not real and not healthy.
We cry sometimes, they cry sometimes. We’re all human. Children need to know it’s okay to feel a whole spectrum of emotions.
And remember you are in that particularly *emotional* post partum period. and you have just gone through a major move aswell. I know how I tend to feel post partum and I think you’re doing great.
I admire your honesty and your sharing heart. Just from reading your blog for a few months I can tell you are a great Mom. Your kids have had some amazing adventures!
Blessings to you and your beautiful family today :0)
Suzy
When I feel that angry fire inside me my mother says to me:
“The children will be fine, fabulously wonderful…you need to think of yourself.”
The more I don’t feel like following her advice, the more I need to. Each and every time.
Thought that might be useful. You never know.
thank you for sharing this today. the timing is perfect.
Beautifully put. Thanks for this.
As the old hymn says “great is thy faithfulness, O God my father, morning by morning new mercies I see”. Each day is a clean slate, there is forgiveness for every sin, and the assurance that God loves us, will not forsake us and that he will be a sun and a shield, supplying according to our need–a sun when we need heat, a shield when we need protection from the heat.
I remember how hard some days were when my children were small. They pass so quickly, don’t they. If I could return to those days, I’d be sorely tempted. I think I have more patience now. But who knows for sure, maybe not.
Being a city girl I remember how shocked I was the first time I spent the night in a mountain woods. I couldn’t sleep for the racket made by nature. I can only imagine what the noise is there for you in the jungle that is India.
Oh, my darlin’
I’ve been doing this “mom” thing for over 24 years now and, let me tell you, you are not harming your children by being “human”.
I have found that the most profound moments come, though, when I am able to humble myself and apologize to my children for the sharp words that have tumbled from my mouth.
It taught them that everyone slips up from time to time, but the important thing is to make it right.
And we all still love one another (amazingly enough!)
Thank you for this, I’ve had too many days like this lately.
Oh, my. Lately I can so relate to those evenings thinking of small regrettable things. Wishing I had been more patient or more playful or smiled more. Wanting to do the day over again to maybe get it right.
Thank you for reminding me that each morning gives me that chance.
“Today was hard. Tomorrow will be better.” Kevin Henkes, “Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse
Sort of strange to glean a life philosophy from a kid’s book, but it works for me.
Leave a Comment