There is nothing to fear…
To answer your questions:
When I’m talking about taxes I’m talking about tax forms and receipts for the non-profit I work for, not my personal taxes, which is why it takes me a long time, every January (should be January- this year it snuck into February). It’s actually not really that hard, just time-consuming and not my favorite snack.
And pictures, well… erm, pictures. I am ashamed to say that we ran out the door so fast that we didn’t actually get any pictures, so I will have to stage a costume re-enactment. Which shouldn’t be too hard, since they are, you know, costumes. What kid doesn’t love a costume? YaYa wore her cape all day yesterday.
And oh, by the way, the two most recent posts on the Burkina Faso trip are here and here.
So, I feel the need for some therapeutic writing. Bear with me. I have issues, as we always liked to say in my community. My friend would always say, “Graaaaave issues.” Or, if someone was being all nuts or whatever, we would say, “I-shhues,” because banter makes everything better.
But anyways. Oh dear, where do I begin?
I am afraid.
What I am afraid of, is people. I may have told you this before. ‘
Let me tell you what I am not afraid of. I am not afraid to travel. I am not afraid to meet a hundred new people in Burkina Faso and spend five days with them and attempt to make myself understood in a language I don’t speak.
I am not afraid of flying, I am not afraid of new and foreign food. I am not afraid of germs and sickness.
But I am deeply afraid of my responsibility toward people. I am afraid that people will ask more of me than I can give, and I will inevitably disappoint. This is a debilitating fear, when you live with the values and convictions and life work that I do.
Lately I’ve been living without this fear. It has felt very freeing, and I’ve been able to relax a little, pursue some interests, settle into myself, figure out what I really want out of life, and begin to make plans for projects and receive a slight hint of our future direction.
The difference has been that I am not doing what I normally do, which is accepting the stranger, offering hospitality, offering help to weary travelers.
Don’t get me wrong. It is all I want to do with my life. But it fills me with fear.
I realized that it still lives with me, slightly buried under an outer peace, last night. Someone who needed some help and friends to meet with called us up and asked if we could get together. We said “Of course!” and set up a time to have her over. And she was wonderful. It was a beautiful night, and we talked for hours, and we prayed together, and it was good.
And still? And still.
At the end of the night I was left questioning whether I had been enough, had done enough, whether I had disappointed. My fear was so great that my shoulders were hanging up by my ears, where they had been edging all evening, and my Superstar Husband was forced to sing me a little song about how I did a good job, to make me smile again.
It is a scenario that is all too common in my life.
Maybe it was exaggerated by the fact that I have been so alone, lately. (Not that I necessarily even want to be alone, I mostly want to be with people that I have deemed “safe”. They are the ones that I know won’t ask more of me than I am able to give.) People have tried to help and have asked me what I thought would “happen”, if I disappointed people. I have no answers for a question like that. It has nothing to do with what will “happen”. This anxiety is so deep rooted that I have no idea where the root lies. It really makes no sense. But it is still there.
But it made me fear the future, a little, which is never a good thing. Sometimes, someone with my temperament, my particular social anxiety, may retreat and just be an artist and a writer for a living. I’ve always known that this is not for me.
But, I realized, last night, that I am moving to India. Land of need. And there needs to be some kind of adjustment, man, some kind of healing, some kind of miracle.
Or maybe just day by day I will be moving through this incredible crippling fear, the fear that makes me dread the phone, the fear that makes me ask my husband to talk to people for me, and I will bit by bit overcome it, with the help of songs, with the help of a few inner prompts (sometimes I have to ask myself what I would tell someone in my situation) and with the help of Jesus, who is fairer, who is purer than every beautiful thing I have ever seen.
He is much more tender with me than I am with myself.
6 comments
so much of what we go through is anticipation, and the fear of failure, of not being enough – but the onus is not on you – it is on that person and their relationship with Jesus (and if they are searching all you can do is point them in the right direction and then pray for them) – you can listen, and be there for people, but you are NOT responsible for them!! even those who come to you for advice, you can only do your best and leave the rest up to God.
it’s like children – you raise them up in the way they should go – hope that they have some of the good things you’ve taught them, and not just (in your moments of weakness, learned any of your bad traits) and then you have to leave them with the Lord – praying for them, but realizing as adults you are no longer responsible for their choices.
you hold things lightly in so many areas of your life – this is another area to do that in…..
I agree with your mama. Your fear falls into a category labeled NOT MY JOB.
I’m sure you would think I was silly if I tormented myself after putting my children to bed with thoughts like, “Maybe I should have given them chocolate, yeah, I didn’t show them enough love today because I didn’t give them any chocolate, and I made them stop fighting with each other at least 3 times today. I should have hand sewn all of their clothes! Now they won’t know that I love them.”
I understand that the fear is real, even if it isn’t based in reality, and I love the sweetness of your heart but your mama is right. YOu need to let go of the outcome.
Kay, I’m gonna email you now.
It sounds like you want to do some digging. So dig. You will find the root, but by the time you fully expose it, it might be gone. That is happened sometimes to me. I have dug at it and dug at it and exposed it to the light and air and life and then like all roots do in such situations, it just dried up and blew away.
hmm. . .
your fears come from a place of caring, a place of need to care for people, this is a devotional quality, motherly, I imagine like Mother Theresa’s love, and look at how much she accomplished with one little step at a time…..
It is challenging for many of us mothers and earthlings to balance our fears, like you illustrated there are so many fears that you do not have, and I think that you have taken this opportunity to accept them,
I try to take shelter in knowing that everything is happening day by day according to god’s plan, and that like the waves of the ocean things are flowing constantly, many things in this material world are not in our control, to stay afloat we can only control the way we react to our fears, not their causes.
look at knowing your fears as a strength, it shows you love yourself and others too, and that you care for living in Jesus’s light, that your love is undying, this is a blessing to the world my dear friend.
So many of us live day by day in fear, it is true, but how many of us turn to god for strength? what a gift it is to protect that love, and to know yourself, it can only grow stronger…
Many Indians have told me that in India many do not view their suffering like we do in the west, they accept it, understanding that it is their karma, that being said, we cannot just sit around and watch people suffer, but from this suffering we can take strength in knowing that with faith in God together we can over come our fears, and strive for justice.
my eyes are leaking
The best carpenters keep their tools sharp. My favorite carpenter seems to beleive that you are one of his.
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