Self-portrait with oak tree
That was a little raw. Sorry.
A lot is hitting me, now. And I feel like maybe hiding is the only option, but I have forgotten how to hide, I think. I tend to just wander around my house, instead. It’s good that we don’t have a T.V. I think it would be too much of a temptation, right now. You may never see me again.
You already know that my grandmother is sick. I want to go back to the center of my childhood, where Grandma wasn’t sick, where she was formidable and fiercely loving. I want to go back to my wedding, where she shook a finger at Chinua and said, “You are getting someone very PRECIOUS to us,” and he took a step back, because you don’t mess with that. But time doesn’t go backwards. Somehow we will go forward.
The Land closes in Escrow this week. Many people, most of whom are not necessarily directly involved, are not happy about the people who are buying it, although personally I think that what is, is. Chinua and I have borne a bit of the brunt of the disappointment of many people, these last few years, and sometimes I feel it vibrating even in the voice boxes of people I talk with. Almost like an embarrassment,- like when you turn your head when you see someone with a disfigurement, not sure of which way your eyes should go.
My anxiety rears its ugly head. People tell me not to take it on, but I feel like I don’t really even know how to do that. All I know is my own hunched shoulders.
I think I will have to look again, to the strength of God, and find my rest, again, in His large calm. Of course. I mean, I don’t even think, I know. And here I am okay, no matter what changes fly up at me, here is love, an invitation to come into this house, you are welcome here, we like you. Sit here, grief is natural, let me touch your hair with the gentlest of touches.
8 comments
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Life involves raw emotions and difficult choices and abrasive, uncomfortable relationships. It’s never necessary to apologize for being real. And the responsibilities involved in loving others and in making hard, unpopular decisions- while painful-always seem to bring reward…usually in the form of growth, but reward nonetheless! He’s always faithful to redeem these times with something beautiful down the road.
Praying for you.
Hang in there….sorry things are tough right now….
Mary
Life is about loss, and transitions are hard (some are harder than others). I know I have a hard time appreciating what I’ve had when I’m losing it. Time, space, prayer, the love of your family & your god — all of these things will help. Good thoughts to you. (And your grandmother was right — you ARE precious!)
I`ve been going through the same part of the `journey` this past week… sometimes our minds are wise, but are hearts are panicked. Corny as it sounds, the clouds will part… hang in there until it comes.
I am sorry that things are hard right now. But in the words of Annie, “the sun will come up tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…” I don’t know the rest. I hope that made you smile.
Rae, I am sorry you are struggling with the horizon—what’s coming, what’s going. You are in a hard place.
raw, real, precious, and true,
life is about loss,
we can’t take any of this stuff with us, only our undying love and faith.. letting go and moving on is perhaps a right of passage in this life, yet it bears a burden of pain, anxiety, fear, doubt, and other sufferings, we are all experience in this life,
self realization is a true gift,
I see rawness as a blessing, it is what makes us real, what helps us turn to God, to our true self.
i really liked the comment about the fog yesterday,
deep breaths—- I have a bubble meditation that is fun, …. breathe in the Positive, breathe out the leftovers
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