a tiny goodbye
My wife Rachel is in the hospital recovering from surgery. We discovered that instead of miscarrying, she had an ectopic precnancy. It had to be removed, tubal pregnancies never result in a live birth and the mothers life can easily be lost. Thank all of you so much for you genuine concern, it is humbling. She wanted to thank everyone that has been so kind, and to let you know that God is answering many prayers.
When I saw Rachel in the recovery room, she was surrounded in white, pale skinned and woozy. Her eyes seemed to stand out, red rimmed but full and clear. I have seen her like this before; I know that this is when she is strongest. Cotton-mouthed and smiling, she said in a simple voice “Jesus has our baby now”. It was audacious and shattering to the cold, beeping, clinical and hopeless room. It was very much like her.
In most time of tragedy, it is hard to understand what happens as you pass through them. I feel a small echo of how I felt when my mother died. There is a harmony to the ebb and flow of emotions that resist any simple description.
When you lose a pregnancy, you naively assume that it means you will simply sit around and be sad until you snap out of it. In reality (as I am sure that anyone who has been through the same will attest) we grieve in pieces, small parts and little private fractured moments. Those moments are interspersed with mundane feelings, elation and revelation, connection with my living family, and blank denial. There is a rhythm to it all that produces a sensation its own, not unlike the tide.
We are sad, but encouraged and drawn together, there is loss and gain. On one hand it seems natural in a way that is comforting, but absolutely tragic considering the incomprehensible purity and simplicity of such a tiny soul. The baby was five weeks and had a heartbeat.
Of course debates rage about souls, life, meaning, heaven and so forth, yet all of that feels so academic and unreal right now. Even well accepted, well meaning and theologically exact platitudes fail to address something far deeper rooted in all of us, something more primal. I have lost a child. I am a father of four, one was barely more than a hope. I am the beloved of the most beautiful and wonderful woman alive. She has given a tiny birth through a scalpel. To that heartbeat, we say a tiny goodbye. The Lord gives, the Lord takes, blessed be the name of the Lord.
SSH
26 comments
I am so sorry. Thank you for posting an update on Rachel. Your family will be in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing how you are Rae are doing. I’m so very sorry for your lose. Please let Rae know that we are thinking of her.
Beautifully said…
I’m so glad you have each other. May God heal Rae completely, and may He comfort your hearts.
I’m a rock solid man & I am humbled with tears in my eyes & my heart as I read this post. Tears of sorrow. And a few tears of Godly joy, also. I feel a piece of this pain & a little closer to God, all the same. Rae & Chinua, what a precious expression of faith & love in Christ your lives are that you share here! And, my goodness, you BOTH are incredible writers!! But, more signigicantly, what a lovely husband & wife! What a beloved mother & father! I have never met you; I only read you, yet your beauty is palbable! If a hug of love can be sent out by heart-felt thoughts, then mine are already there for you. In my prayers, dear ones, you and yours are being lifted up. May all the grace & healing of God be with you, my brother & sister.
I am so sorry
A baby “barely more than a hope” is such an incredible way to describe it.
I hope Rae is recovering okay. Please give her my love.
Chinua & Rae-
We are so sorry, and are praying for you and your family.
-Jess & Corby
A beautiful, trusting faith in a heart-wrenching loss. Thank you for sharing with us. Hugs and kisses to you both — would wrap our arms around you if we could.
At some point, perhaps it will be a comfort to know that your baby lives, and at the end of this life, will be there to greet you! At least, that’s what King David believed, and so do I!
Praying for comfort and healing for you both, and your families. Mourning with you.
You’ll hold that baby in your heart until you can hold him in heaven, painfully in some moments, sweetly in others. Until then, he’s in very good hands. Mourning with you.
Thank you for sharing the news with us. I will continue to be praying for you and your family. The Lord bless you.
Beautifully written at a time when words are hard to put together.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find the strength in each other that you have shown for so many around you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Comfort to both of you.
I lost my baby girl last year at 31 weeks…it is a pain like no other. Your baby is with my baby and all the other little souls that Jesus has called home. May God bless and keep you at this difficult time. I am praying for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Hugs and prayers
Mary
Your family is beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in one another. Thank you for sharing with us how Rae, and you, are doing.
Thank you for sharing that so eloquently, and may you both bring strength to each other.
Eva
I am so sorry.
Hug your lovely wife from me.
I’m glad Rae has such a wonderful man and father for her children. I’m sorry for you’lls loss. I’m thankful for God’s blessings for your family especially your tiny one not ready for this world.
Once again I sit at my computer weeping, identifying with your loss, and full of sadness that my dear friends are experiencing such sorrow.
I pray that you would be comforted in those “private fractured moments” when grief overtakes you.
You are very loved.
You are all indeed, very loved- by friends and family whom you’ve never met.
Thanking God for the priviledge of being blessed by a beautiful couple that will praise Him when they rejoice and praise Him when they weep. How precious to know that He is greatly to be praised either way.
Mourning with you and lifting you all up still.
((((Chinua & Rae))))
I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thinking of you, all of you…
I’m so sorry.
I too am so sorry for your loss, and felt totally away from you and unable to help out in any way – except to keep on praying and trusting our Father.
God really did have you in the palm of His Hand and many, many people told your dad that they were praying for you guys this week! I\’m so thankful that it was discovered even though you had not gone for a pregnancy test.
You are much loved!
It is clear that both you and Rachel have a beautiful gift for words. And it is clearer now, just how each of your strengths hold each other up as you brace yourselves against the pillars of God during this time.
My soul aches for you, Rachel, and your fourth child, but I can not help rejoicing in the precious and abundant gifts the Lord has provided for your family. His lovingkindness is very evident in your household.
You are blessed.
So sorry for you loss. It is amazing how quickly we become attached to our children – in the blink of an eye.
Just found your site and read the first few entries. Your description of grief is one of the best I have ever read. At exactly this time 8 years ago I went through the exact same thing, an ectopic pregnancy, but mine had ruptured by the time they discovered it. I had lost a lot of blood internally and was rushed into surgery. Reading this blog brought back all of the emotions and feelings of that time. 3 kiddos later (2 bio and 1 just adopted from China), I still miss my tiny little one who waits for us in heaven. Thanks for your words.
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